The Long Way Home

     What is it about getting older?  As a kid, the future was full of options and dreams. Some fears too, but mostly dreams.  Now I find myself over 60 and closing in on the years where retirement and relaxation should be occupying my mind.  Instead, I sit here wondering if I really know the way home to the little boy with the dreams.

    A little background for you.  The past few years or so have been a watershed of memories, deep introspection, and hard work on who I really am when no one else is watching.  Believe me, its not a journey for sissies.  Life has a way of rerouting us over and over again.  Sometimes it's marriage, divorce, or kids that force us to reevaluate our dreams and ambitions.  Maybe we saw ourselves doing something different with life only to find that we made choices, or had choices made for us, that caused us to veer off the path we thought we were supposed to follow. Sacrifices for family or opportunities missed because we had too much fear or insecurity to take the next step. It happens all the time and most of us feel that nagging voice beckoning to us from the dreams we once carried close to our hearts.

   Now, I'm not complaining. I have a wonderful wife, great kids, and adorable grandkids. I even have a few close friends that love me.  I'm certainly not rich but I'm doing OK.  Life has been hard at times but also rich and full in others.  So, what's with all the melancholy and bubbling emotions?  I wish I knew. Oh, I have some ideas (Joy's cancer, the sale of my business, missing my kids, etc.) but those are just the vehicles that took me on this journey.  They are the motor that drives me to find the little boy with the dreams.

    Have you ever lived your life as a not? No, I didn't misspell that. You know what I mean.  I'm not going to be like -----, or I'm not going to make that mistake, or how about, I'm not going to let them see me hurting.  I think everyone does some of that but some of us have spent way too much time living there.  Not sure if you do that?  Let me ask you a simple question.  When was the last time you felt complete joy?  I don't mean happy. I mean I want you to name the last 3 times in your life where you were literally overcome with joy to the point where you were oblivious to your surroundings.

   I can't name them because I taught myself years ago that I never going to feel anything too deeply.  I put on a self made mask and did the best I could. At least I thought I was.  Now, as I'm facing the issues around the cancer in the woman I love and the sale of a business that has been my identity, I began to realize that I was numb and unable to dream anything at all.  Surviving is not a dream destination. Surviving is not intended to be a way of life.  Doing nothing but getting through each day and surviving to fall into a restless sleep only to wake up and do it all over again is not living. There can be no joy in that type of existence.  Depressed yet?  Sorry. Let me shift gears.

   Joy and I are hosting a book club at our house and the subject is the least likely topic anyone wants to talk about.  It's a book called "Daring Greatly" by Dr. Brene Brown.  It's a book about vulnerability and shame. Scary stuff indeed.  She studied the topic for over 10 years and her findings are often like surgery without anesthesia.  I won't ruin the whole book for you but do want to talk about the one topic that set my mind and heart to a full spin cycle.  Let me give you and example from her book;

"Vulnerability is the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path." 

    Here is another quote that addresses the connection between vulnerability and experiencing true joy. Try this one on for size;

"Once we make the connection between vulnerability and joy, the answer is pretty straightforward: We're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch.  We don't want to be blindsided by hurt. We don't want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment."

    Ouch!  That is what she calls foreboding joy.  In a nutshell, it means never really allowing joy to be fully experienced because it feels like a trap.  Remember when your child was a newborn and you longed for the day when you could get a full nights sleep again? How many of you did like me and went into the room to check on the baby because they were sleeping so soundly? That is foreboding joy. Rather than being excited to have them sleeping soundly, we begin to imagine that something must be wrong so we go and check. That's a poor description but that is exactly how I've chosen to numb out my life.  I've laughed when telling friends my philosophy of "expecting the worst and hoping for the best".  To my twisted way of thinking, I was never disappointed if bad things happened and mildly surprised when good things came along. Made perfect sense to me but I was so wrong. What it did was to insulate me from really engaging with life and allowing myself to fully feel joy when it was right in front of me. How sad.

    I've said all that just to say that I'm not going to live there anymore. I am going to look whatever comes straight in the eye and experience whatever comes up. I'm going to be in every one of Joy's appointments and we're going to talk about where we are and what we're feeling as it comes up. I'm willing to lean into the fear in order to experience the joy that I know will be on the other side when this cancer scare is over. I'm going to change the dressings and be completely involved in caring for her for this part of her life so that I can fully appreciate her health and vitality when this is over. I want to be in the arena with her and not sitting in the stands numbing out my fears.

    When we look back on the year prior to Joy's diagnosis, it is absolutely amazing to see the journey and how God put us in the right places, with the right people, at the right time. There is no mistaking His hand from months before we knew where we were headed. This is no accident. We are exactly where we are supposed to be.  Thanks so much for enduring this lengthy post. I appreciate the prayers and love so many of you are sending our way.