Gratitude isn't an easy place for me to dwell. I'm a complainer by nature and, what I like to call, a realist as a result of my upbringing and environment. I've always thought of myself as a "glass is half empty" kind of guy and justified it by telling folks that I expect the worst and am happily surprised by anything better than that. That truly made sense to me. While that is an effective survival strategy, it robs you of all joy and serendipity in every part of your life. I've learned it also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as the people around you soon learn that there is no real upside to someone like me because all expectations get tamped down so none of us get too disappointed. How sad it is to be 60 years old and realize how damaging that has been to my life and in all of my relationships. In my early days, I did it to survive. It was, and remains, an issue of control. I learned not to expect much because it was too painful to have my dreams forever crashing on the rocks. I passed it along to my kids thinking it was wise to protect them from disappointment. It has been as normal as the sunrise.
Just about a year ago I felt strongly led to force myself to post 30 days of gratitude. I confess that I felt a little dishonest when I began but that soon went away. I was determined not to post easy stuff like food, shelter and weather but to concentrate on deeper issues. I can truthfully say that I never knew what was going to come out when I sat down to write. Those 30 days were hard but I cannot tell you how important they were. Those posts forced me to re frame my life in countless ways. I found out that in the darkest days of my life there were always places where grace and truth spilled out. It was true that I'd never seen them before and to discover so many in 30 days was overwhelming. I finished those 30 days of posts with a mixture of surprise and relief. Little did I know that those posts would prepare me for the most difficult season of my life in just 60 days.
It wasn't just hearing that Joy had Stage 3 breast cancer. It was somewhere between 45 to 50 doctor appointments (that averaged 90 minutes per), the 4 biopsies, 2 surgeries, the 6 chemo sessions, the loss of all of Joy's hair and appetite, the 4 weeks she had to sleep in the recliner, and seeing the pain she had to endure. It was selling our business before we had planned, having to put our beloved dog, Ollie, to sleep and struggling to find a new balance in our relationship due to cancer and all the changes that it forced onto us. However, this dark season was different. While it was still frightening, there was a subtle change in my thought patterns. I was grateful for the small things like having all the kids home for Christmas, I was grateful that we were able to sell our business at a fair price in just 60 days which allowed me to stay home to care for Joy. It allowed me to weep openly over the loss of Ollie and to recognize how much joy he had given me over his 14 years. It allowed me to be grateful that I would still have my wife and to recognize that the scars would change her shape but that our commitment was deeper than physical losses. It was knowing that this sickness brought our kids closer and gave us many opportunities to sit and talk openly about important issues and fears that they were dealing with in their lives. It was seeing Joy choose to be vulnerable with the changes she was enduring and helping other women facing similar journeys.
Perhaps the most enduring lesson I learned was that there is value in every situation regardless of the difficulty, fear, or devastation we face. Try it. Name the fear or problem you're facing and then force yourself to sit quietly until a gratitude pops into your head. I guarantee it will surprise you and I guarantee it will change the focus of the issue more than you think. It helps to shrink the fear and it has a way of giving you courage to take the next step even when that step is unpleasant. For me, it all boils down to the knowledge that God knows what you need and when you'll need it. I read somewhere that God's greatest gift to us is that we don't know the future because we'd never have the courage to move forward if we knew what was around every corner. The real secret is to turn the darkness around by finding something, however small, about the problem or fear that is worthy of our thanks or gratitude. I'm learning that any pain or past failure has value when you find reasons to be grateful in spite of the loss. I know this is second nature to many who will read this blog but it has been quite a discovery for me. It remains something that I have to choose to do when I'd rather be complaining. So, I continue to be a work in process as frustrating as that is to admit. I'm thankful that I lived long enough to recognize this and thankful that it isn't too late to implement what I'm learning.
No comments:
Post a Comment